In the News: No more Manas from Heaven

MOSCOW — Speaking during a visit to Moscow, President of Kyrgyzstan, Kurmanbek Bakiyev, announced this week that his country would be closing the American air base at Manas. Manas air base is a vital supply route for the NATO mission in Afghanistan and currently the only U.S. base in Central Asia.

Kyrgystan's defence minister had previously stated that the Manas air base would stay open "as long as the situation in Afghanistan requires". When asked whether this reversal in policy had anything to do with the $2 billion in loans and aid promised Kyrgystan by Russia in an announcement issued only minutes prior to his own statement, President Bakiyev initially responded with baffled amazement. "Really? That happened today? Damn, one helluva coincidence!" said Bakiyev.

Pressed for a response, Bakiyev, who is president of a nation with a GDP of less than $4 billion, an ailing energy sector, and extremely close proximity to Russia, the region's major provider of fossil fuels, briefly mulled over the question before answering. "Naaaah!" said Bakiyev.

Petraeus' pickle

With the recent upsurge of militant violence in Pakistan's Khyber pass, normally the main supply route for NATO in Afghanistan, Manas air base has become increasingly important in recent months, even moreso given President Obama's plans to greatly expand the US presence in Afghanistan. Hoping to shore up this valuable resource, General David Petraeus visited Kyrgyzstan as recently as January 19th and received confident assurances that Kyrgyzstan was facing absolutely no Russian pressure and that Manas was safe.

Speaking to our publication, General Petraeus, widely known throughout the region for his negotiation skills, attributed this apparent discrepancy to simple miscommunication. "Frankly, we encountered a major barrier in communications during the Manas negotiations," said Petraeus. "Thus far, we've been unable to find anyone who knows how to properly address the people of Kyrgyzstan. Kyrgyzstanis? Kyrgyzstanians? Kyrgynese? I mean, seriously, before all this hit the fan, who would have cared enough to bother to find out?"

Faced with a potentially crippling blow to their logistics, the United States is now exploring alternative supply routes. One such option being pursued is the reopening of the base in Uzbekistan known as 'K2' . American forces were expelled from K2 in 2005 in response to US objections over the killing of several hundred anti-government protestors by the Uzbekistani military.

According to one Pentagon official speaking on condition of anonymity, restoring diplomatic ties with the oft criticized government of Uzebkistan would require the utmost delicacy, focusing on establishing common ground. "Massacre? Did we say massacre?" said the Pentagon official, issuing forth a bark of nervous laughter and waving a hand dismissively. "Hey, it's not like we can throw stones, right guys? After all, we've had to fire on crowds of protestors ourselves in Iraq. That's almost the same thing, right? Through time and exposure, I'm sure we could end up with even more in common."

Russian into alternatives

Another option seriously being considered is to route supplies directly through Russia. Speaking about this possibility, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has pledged "full-fledged" cooperation with the US and NATO in fighting terrorism. When asked by an American diplomat what Russia could possibly expect in return for their aid, Medvedev laughed jovially and clapped him on the back. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sure we'll think of something!" said Medvedev. "Besides, nobody knows the way to Afghanistan like us, hey?"

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran has reportedly expressed great interest in the precedent such an agreement would set. Having funneled supplies and funds to Hezbollah through Syria for years, recent peace talks between the Syrian and Israeli governments have been a source of great consternation to the Iranian government. If NATO succeeds in routing aid to its war in Afghanistan through Russia, Ahmadinejad has expressed great hopes for negotiating a supply line into Lebanon through the United States. No word yet on any U.S. response.

Upon receiving reports of Kyrgystan's announcement and the subsequent flurry of U.S. activity, sources inside the Kremlin relayed that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was seen to steeple his fingers and issue a rare, thin smile. Details of his exact response are muddled and unclear, but multiple sources agree that it included the words 'Goose' and 'Gander'.