Monday, February 09, 2009

In the News: No more Manas from Heaven

MOSCOW — Speaking during a visit to Moscow, President of Kyrgyzstan, Kurmanbek Bakiyev, announced this week that his country would be closing the American air base at Manas. Manas air base is a vital supply route for the NATO mission in Afghanistan and currently the only U.S. base in Central Asia.

Kyrgystan's defence minister had previously stated that the Manas air base would stay open "as long as the situation in Afghanistan requires". When asked whether this reversal in policy had anything to do with the $2 billion in loans and aid promised Kyrgystan by Russia in an announcement issued only minutes prior to his own statement, President Bakiyev initially responded with baffled amazement. "Really? That happened today? Damn, one helluva coincidence!" said Bakiyev.

Pressed for a response, Bakiyev, who is president of a nation with a GDP of less than $4 billion, an ailing energy sector, and extremely close proximity to Russia, the region's major provider of fossil fuels, briefly mulled over the question before answering. "Naaaah!" said Bakiyev.

Petraeus' pickle

With the recent upsurge of militant violence in Pakistan's Khyber pass, normally the main supply route for NATO in Afghanistan, Manas air base has become increasingly important in recent months, even moreso given President Obama's plans to greatly expand the US presence in Afghanistan. Hoping to shore up this valuable resource, General David Petraeus visited Kyrgyzstan as recently as January 19th and received confident assurances that Kyrgyzstan was facing absolutely no Russian pressure and that Manas was safe.

Speaking to our publication, General Petraeus, widely known throughout the region for his negotiation skills, attributed this apparent discrepancy to simple miscommunication. "Frankly, we encountered a major barrier in communications during the Manas negotiations," said Petraeus. "Thus far, we've been unable to find anyone who knows how to properly address the people of Kyrgyzstan. Kyrgyzstanis? Kyrgyzstanians? Kyrgynese? I mean, seriously, before all this hit the fan, who would have cared enough to bother to find out?"

Faced with a potentially crippling blow to their logistics, the United States is now exploring alternative supply routes. One such option being pursued is the reopening of the base in Uzbekistan known as 'K2' . American forces were expelled from K2 in 2005 in response to US objections over the killing of several hundred anti-government protestors by the Uzbekistani military.

According to one Pentagon official speaking on condition of anonymity, restoring diplomatic ties with the oft criticized government of Uzebkistan would require the utmost delicacy, focusing on establishing common ground. "Massacre? Did we say massacre?" said the Pentagon official, issuing forth a bark of nervous laughter and waving a hand dismissively. "Hey, it's not like we can throw stones, right guys? After all, we've had to fire on crowds of protestors ourselves in Iraq. That's almost the same thing, right? Through time and exposure, I'm sure we could end up with even more in common."

Russian into alternatives

Another option seriously being considered is to route supplies directly through Russia. Speaking about this possibility, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has pledged "full-fledged" cooperation with the US and NATO in fighting terrorism. When asked by an American diplomat what Russia could possibly expect in return for their aid, Medvedev laughed jovially and clapped him on the back. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sure we'll think of something!" said Medvedev. "Besides, nobody knows the way to Afghanistan like us, hey?"

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran has reportedly expressed great interest in the precedent such an agreement would set. Having funneled supplies and funds to Hezbollah through Syria for years, recent peace talks between the Syrian and Israeli governments have been a source of great consternation to the Iranian government. If NATO succeeds in routing aid to its war in Afghanistan through Russia, Ahmadinejad has expressed great hopes for negotiating a supply line into Lebanon through the United States. No word yet on any U.S. response.

Upon receiving reports of Kyrgystan's announcement and the subsequent flurry of U.S. activity, sources inside the Kremlin relayed that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was seen to steeple his fingers and issue a rare, thin smile. Details of his exact response are muddled and unclear, but multiple sources agree that it included the words 'Goose' and 'Gander'.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Op-Ed: Obama and Guantanamo - Did anyone think of the lawyers?
Written by Ham B. Jäger

After reading about President Obama's orders this week to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay and suspend all legal proceedings against its inhabitants, I felt that it was my duty as both a concerned citizen and legal professional to voice my disappointment. Being as this was his very first act as President, I must say that I am deeply distressed about the direction this signals for the new administration. More to the point, it displays a hurtful lack of consideration to those in my profession, doubly surprising given the President’s own background in law.

In the current economic climate, lawyers across the board are suffering pitiably. With real estate transfers and corporate acquisitions grinding to a halt, the need for contract lawyers is drying up. With so many manual laborers out of work, soaring fuel prices curtailing automobile travel, and the general spirit of hope and goodwill pervading the President’s inauguration, my own specialization of personal injury law has suffered a similarly tragic blow.

Despite our trials and tribulations, those in the field of law have met with surprisingly little sympathy. Where is the bailout package for the law firm that so recently notarized your zero-down mortgage? Whither the handout for that sharp little man who oversaw your bankruptcy claim? I ask you, with what gratitude has the legal community been rewarded for our patriotism in acquiescing to the needs of homeland security? Alas, we lawyers have suffered the diminishment of our disposable incomes in stoic silence.

Even so, I find I cannot remain quiet as I witness this latest slight to the everyday heroes of the courtroom. Unjust indeed are these suspensions to those particular lawyers who have toiled so desperately to wheedle a defensible case out of the circumstances surrounding the Guantanamo trials. Far more disheartening, however, is the fact that in shutting down Guantanamo, we will be abandoning a huge opportunity for the future of law.

With all of the difficulties inherent in the legal prosecution of combatants, every single detainee's case has the potential to employ a host of legal professionals for literally years. The case of Guantanamo detainee and Canadian citizen, Omar Khadr, is particularly illustrative of the potential for the burgeoning field of Combatant Law. Now, as a lawyer myself, I’m well acquainted with legal flim-flammery and all the technical, niggling little details it can entail, so I’m just going to focus on the bigger picture here.

Let’s not get bogged down in discussions of whether or not a 15 year old boy in a warzone constitutes a ‘child soldier’. Forget about those who attack the Military Commissions Act's definition of Khadr as an ‘Unlawful Enemy Combatant’ as being arbitrary or a case of ex post facto law. I’m not even concerned with the circumstances surrounding his detention and interrogation. We’ve proven over the last seven years that all such details can be surmounted given sufficient political will on the one hand and public indifference on the other. Let’s just focus on two of the charges laid against him.

Khadr is charged with murder and attempted murder related to the throwing of a hand grenade that took the life of Sgt. Christopher Speer on July 27, 2002. The fact of Sgt. Speer’s death is indisputably tragic and I mean no disrespect to him or his family. Khadr was captured after a firefight in an Afghani village during which there was an exchange of gunfire and grenades by both sides. During the fight, Khadr sustained shrapnel wounds and multiple gunshots.

So, basically this guy is being charged for throwing a hand grenade in the middle of a battle, during the course of which he himself was injured. Now we’re not talking about shooting civilians or surrendering soldiers here. We’re charging a soldier for attacking an enemy soldier during a battle between two armed groups. My God, think of the implications. Think of the precedent this sets! Above all, think of the business opportunities for down-on-their-luck lawyers! Fantastic!

If the prosecution succeeds here, what exactly is to stop anyone on the losing end of any battle from being charged with attempted murder? This opens up the potential for literally thousands of trial cases from the war in Afghanistan alone! We'll need legions of lawyers, judges, aids, and researchers to handle them all, creating thousands of desperately needed jobs. And that's just for one war! Finally, a renewable industry that can't be outsourced.

For that matter, why stop at criminal prosecution? For captured combatants from wealthy families, we could issue a corresponding civil suit! It’s not like the practice of ransoming captured soldiers is without precedent. After all, historical records from the Medieval period are chock full of such cases. Everyone involved could take a cut and we’d help finance the war effort to boot. With this added bonus, the state might even come close to recouping the costs of a trial.

At the same time, we’d be supplying our troops on the front line with a potent psychological weapon. Anyone we faced on the battlefield would be given serious pause before raising a weapon as they considered the legal ramifications. After all, dying from a gunshot wound lasts for a few seconds or maybe a couple of minutes, but lawyers can take years to finish tearing you apart.

Best of all, Combatant Lawyers can be proactive in securing new cases. With personal injury law, I can only sit on my hands glumly waiting for someone to go and hurt themselves. With Combatant Law, I can help to ensure my livelihood every time I vote or write my political representative. Nobody can say what conflicts the future will hold, but we can all lend a helping hand!

Oh sure, I know what the skeptics out there are already thinking. That this is a special case involving a terrorist fighting on behalf of an unrecognized government. But then what exactly constitutes a legitimate government? As near as I can tell, it’s pretty much whoever our own government says is one. There’s no law that I’m aware of, international or domestic, that forces any one group of people to recognize any other as anything in particular. Besides, whether or not any of the detainees we bring to court are ever successfully prosecuted, one thing at least is certain: Lawyers like me will win every time.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

In the News: Diplomacy to be Vanguard of Picard Administration Foreign Policy
San Francisco - Stardate 86034.1 (January 13th, 2409 Earth Standard)
Click for Special Feature: In the news, 400 years ago today

Testifying before a Federation Council confirmation hearing, Secretary of State-designate Deanna Troi unveiled today a broad outline for the Picard administration's approach to foreign policy over the next four years.

"As President of the United Federation of Planets, Jean-Luc Picard will approach inter-planetary crises with an air of multi-lateralism, stressing prudence, partnership, and above all, diplomacy," said Troi.


When asked to elaborate on her expectations for foreign relations over the coming term given the challenges inherited from the previous administration, Troi paused to reflect for several moments, finally displaying visible distress before responding "I sense pain...".


Kirk's legacy

Many observers expect that President-elect Picard's approach to foreign affairs will differ markedly from his predecessor, two-term President James T. Kirk. Known for his intuitive, headstrong approach to leadership, Kirk's policies have sparked frequent controversy both within the Federation and among other world leaders. Even some former shipmates from his years of service to Starfleet are not uncritical of Kirk's legacy in the final days of his administration.

"It's about time that cowboy left office. When he wasn't off picking fights with the Klingons, he was busy provoking the Romulans with flagrant violations of the Neutral Zone. I'm not even going to get into his shockingly casual disregard for the Prime Directive," said Hikaru Sulu, noted social activist and Kirk's former helmsman.

"To be fair, though, how could he be expected to entertain the concept of diplomatic exchange when he has such obvious trouble even completing sentences?" added Sulu, referring to Kirk's oft parodied halting speech patterns.

Picard's prudence

In stark contrast, Picard has developed a strong reputation for consultation and temperance during his long and distinguished career with Starfleet.

"If I had to characterize his approach, I'd describe it as 'Ask questions first, shoot later. If at all. Even if fired upon'," commented Geordi La Forge, Chief Engineer of the USS Enterprise for 15 years under Picard.

"He had a heck of a gift for speech," recalled La Forge. "Sometimes he'd just stand there on the bridge, waxing poetic about the human condition. It was mesmerizing for sure, but I have to admit, sometimes it all seemed just a little contrived."

Some are concerned that Picard's approach marks too stark a contrast with Kirk, that his focus on dialogue and deliberation could lead to delays that put the Federation at risk. William Riker, Picard's own first-officer and husband to Deanna Troi, has pointed out that during Picard's tenure as captain, the Enterprise was boarded, hijacked, or commandeered literally dozens of times, often while the perpetrators distracted the Captain with conversation.

"Hell, I remember this one time when another ship came barreling out of a temporal anomaly, right on top of us. He damn well stops to ask his senior staff for options! I didn't say it at the time, but I don't mind telling you that I was thinking 'Dude! You've got like 5 seconds here! Make a call!" said Riker.

When this publication asked Secretary of State-designate Troi about her husband's potentially damaging comments, Troi gave our correspondent a long suffering smile and suggested we take his words "with a grain of salt".

"You have to remember this about my husband. He's always had a bit of trouble giving up the limelight," said Troi.

Janeway unavailable for comment

Captain Kathryn Janeway, widely speculated to be preparing for a 2412 bid for presidency, could not be reached for comment.

Janeway, who first made a name for herself in the remote Delta quadrant battling the principles of collectivism espoused by the Borg, skyrocketed to truly galactic fame over the past year after being chosen as running mate by unsuccessful presidential hopeful and hero of the Dominion War, Captain Benjamin Sisko.

So far she has brushed aside any questions of a presidential run, stating that she wishes only to spend some time with her family after so long away from home.